Sleepless
by Ruralstar
Summary: ep tag for 6x10. Specific spoilers for that ep and 5x14 Beat Your Heart Out. What might have happened after Owen kissed Cris outside the hospital. A/N: Angst with a side of fluff. Had to come out after a long dry spell.


Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is the property of ABC, Shonda Rhimes and Co. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Sleepless"

It had been nearly four months since his last bout of insomnia, longer since a nightmare had driven him to consciousness on the heels of a breathless scream. Tonight….tonight he couldn't sleep.

Owen spooned his body tighter against Cristina's sleeping form. She moved and sighed softly in response. She fitted so perfectly against him. Her soft round buttocks and the smooth, curve of her back neatly cradled by his larger bulk in a complete cocoon of comforting warmth. Just the touch of her skin brought calm to his mind and heat to his flesh. An exciting dichotomy he craved more with each passing day. Except tonight he could not sleep. There was no mystery to why only unexpected grief for a road not taken and a desperate need for solace he could not ask Cristina for.

Owen carefully extracted his arm from beneath Cristina's neck and eased out of the bed. Gooseflesh popped across his bare flesh as he slipped on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and padded quietly down the hall to the living room. He sank down on the couch and cradled his head in his hands. The tension headache building since his confrontation with Teddy pounded dully behind his eyes. He felt nauseous and weak—and an utter fool.

There had been a moment: a dreadful, sickening flash of doubt when standing in the exam room. Hearing Teddy's words brought a rush of emotion so strong he thought he might suffocate beneath the weight of it. For years they had respected each other too much to admit how they felt. He had been too caught up in the adventure—and the realities—of Iraq to see the truth. She was too aware of Beth and all that relationship implied even though it had been wrong from almost the very beginning. The war was a special circumstance that drew both of them for very similar reasons. Bonded them in ways unique to the military world and left them both slightly bereft in its aftermath. Teddy was not broken by her experiences however. He was thankful beyond words for the fact that she was not with them the day of the ambush. She had been safe, relatively speaking, in a hospital in Bagdad. She was there when they wheeled his bloody body in on a gurney. Owen remembered her voice and the touch of her hand as anchors in a maelstrom of disbelief.

"Oh Jesus…" He sucked in a shaky breath and stared at the carpet. For an instant that world had come flooding back and the words he had held onto for five years tumbled out. _Of course I did…._ Was it wrong? No, said a small voice. Strangely comforting in its honesty and infinitely terrifying because it would not be denied. Owen swallowed hard and leaned back against the couch. His hands felt cold resting heavily on his knees.

There was no going back to the unique set of circumstances that spawned the feelings Teddy and he had shared. He would not wish that hell on anyone no matter what good might have come from it. Yet there was a need to grieve for the relationship that might have breathed. He could not turn away from that feeling and he could not hide it from Cristina. It wasn't fair and he would be dammed if he would lie—not again.

Kissing Cristina….God, was it really over a year ago? Kissing her made sense in ways being with Beth never had. Owen knew when he walked out of Seattle Grace the day of the ice storm that he would never marry Beth Whitman. The ambush and the numbness that followed were not the catalyst, though they were responsible for the inept resolution of his relationship with Beth. He understood that now. Ironically, it had taken nearly killing himself, months of denial, and almost choking Cristina to death to grasp the real root of the problem. To give substance to the man who had begun to emerge even before the explosion which drew the line between Before and After. Had he really not seen or had he just kept his eyes tightly closed to the possibility of a relationship with Teddy? And now...

"What the fuck was I thinking?" Owen whispered into the darkness. What did I almost do?

_I love you. I have always loved you. When I was coupled or when I was alone….Always. I'm in love with you…_

God help him, he had almost kissed her. _Almost._ But it was different this time. Cristina was not Beth and for all the pain the man he had become was better and—dare he consider it—stronger than the man he had been. Owen licked his lips and stared hard at the ceiling. His chest ached and the tears that had weakened his voice when confronting Teddy were close and hot against his eyelids. He blinked to clear their haze and coughed to breathe around the lump in his throat.

_I'm in love with Cristina._

Owen wondered at the truth of the statement. More so now in the deep night than when he spoke the words and saw the pain flare fresh and raw in Teddy's eyes. Did he really know what love was? The concept was almost beyond his ability to recognize at this point. It was definitely not the same emotion that he had felt for Beth early on, or what he denied for years whenever Teddy looked his way. Being in love was not the same thing as loving someone. The former implied action, the latter a passivity Owen could not easily accept. A corner of his mouth turned up in a disbelieving smirk. Such esoteric nonsense that was undeniably apt to the situation which he had so blindly engineered. Cristina was not oblivious but he certainly was.

Regrets were pointless now that Teddy was an active factor in his relationship with Cristina. And if honesty was the soup of the day then he had to accept the whole bowl and not just a cup. How many more years would the feelings have lurked and the words gone unspoken every time he sent Teddy an email or picked up the phone? It was better this way. It had to be, didn't it? Owen rocked his head against the back of the couch. Six months ago he would have heard Teddy's words and fallen completely apart. It had been close in the exam room but he had kept things together and said the words despite the pain. Progress, of a sort. He could only hope that Cristina would continue to see things the same way.

Owen sighed wearily and stood up. He wandered over to the door and checked the deadbolt out of habit then turned towards the bedroom. Several seconds passed before he could force his feet into motion. He did not expect to sleep. There was too much left to consider. The idea of sitting alone on the couch for the rest of the night was almost as disturbing as the thoughts themselves. Better to lie close to the woman he was in love with for as long as she would let him.

He pulled off his shirt and carefully picked up the blankets. Cristina shifted when he slid in beside her. She murmured and rolled over, blowing softly on his chest as she nestled. Owen pushed back an errant curl from her cheek and gently stroked the skin with the ball of his thumb.

"You okay?" she whispered.

He blinked, surprised by the question and the glint of her eyes in the muted light. "Go back to sleep," he replied as his hand moved down to cup her shoulder.

Cristina's hand settled on his ribs: a small, hot weight pressing down with unexpected force. Her eyes opened wider and she stiffened marginally but did not pull away. "I know how Teddy feels. I know because I couldn't…I was afraid to admit how I felt about you. Do you see that? Do you know why I asked if you were sure?"

"I do."

"Really?"

Owen urged her closer and after a moment she relented. He kissed her eyelid and the rise of her upturned cheek then found her mouth. Chaste kisses with lips slightly parted as they brushed over hers. He pulled back reluctantly and sought her eyes in the dark. Finding and holding them for a long time as he struggled for words that would make sense to both of them.

"Owen…"

"You were there…do you understand how important you were to me? You are to me?"

"Yes, but if that's all…"

He pressed a finger to her lips and shook his head. "No, that's not all. I'm in love with you Cristina. Passionately, completely in love with the extraordinary person you are. You're not my crutch or my guardian. I can face the world but I don't want to face it without you."

"And what about Teddy?"

Owen was suddenly exhausted by his own stupidity. He would not disrespect Cristina's fear by pretending to be confused. Nor look away when she needed to see the man she had cared for so unselfishly for so many months without even knowing why. "I…loved her. For years and she…she loved me too." Her body had grown cool and hard beneath his touch. Still, she lay still and listened without a word. Her eyes gone impossibly dark and impenetrable in the weak light. "Neither of us ever told the other and I….I never expected this when I asked her to come here. I saw that you were unhappy. Jesus Cristina, I was trying to help but I fucked this up so badly…I can't take it back and I can't send her away…or pretend that it doesn't hurt even if it isn't true anymore…"

"Don't." Her hand softened and slid down to his thigh. "I wouldn't ask you to do that after everything we've gone through. I have no right."

"Yes, you do."

Cristina sighed loudly and squeezed his leg. "No, I don't. I don't want to see you back in that shell again. I may be an insensitive bitch some days but I'm not an idiot." He chuckled and she giggled softly and nuzzled his chest. "And I don't want you to send her away."

"Seriously?"

"Hell no!" She stretched to nip the soft flesh beneath his chin. "She's a cardio goddess and I've waited too damn long as it is. I want my career to move forward. I want to be…hell I already am extraordinary!"

He laughed again and bent to capture her mouth in a fierce kiss. "Yes, you are," he breathed and shivered as she pressed close and slid down to massage him through the thin fabric of his boxers.

"Get rid of these," she growled, tugging irritably at the underwear as she bit his collarbone.

Owen readily obliged. Squirming quickly out of the garment and pushing it out from under the blankets with a quick thrust of his foot. He did not ask why she was so willing to forgive—or at least ignore his admission for the moment. For Cristina Teddy Altman was a teacher not a threat. She believed in Owen and his declaration of love. That belief was both an honor and a privilege he would have to live up to. Owen sought Cristina's eager mouth and she moved quickly beneath him. Darkness closed in and fell away in a whirl of sensation as he buried himself in her.

*~*End*~*


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